One of the most irreverent bloggers in the world of blogging admitted to suffering from depression and self harming in the last couple of weeks. The Bloggess admitted to what many women and men will not. She has an illness. I have the same illness (I don’t self harm… pain does not help my head). I had to admit to this when I was suffering from a bout of postpartum depression after the birth of Thing 2. In case you wonder, screaming at a 6 week old IS a sign that you may have a problem with PPD. It was a hard road of denial… trying to organize or exercise myself out of the funk… pray my way out of it… talk my way out of it. Finally, I had to accept that I was not going to solve the problem by myself and much to Tom Cruise‘s dismay I chose the route of medication and some talk therapy. I realized that for much of my life I had battled this illness. I had self medicated with alcohol, busying myself to my wit’s end, anything to keep from hearing the thoughts of hopelessness and anger that were housed in my head.
Depression is real. It makes absolutely no sense to people who have never gone through it. It actually makes no sense to the person going through it, to be quite honest. Why would a healthy mom and wife of two beautiful healthy baby boys be DEPRESSED? Unhappy, even? I asked myself that repeatedly. I had everything that I ever wanted. I even had a faith in my father above, so don’t tell me I suffered because I didn’t have enough faith. I will not accept that argument. The fact of the matter was that I was sick.
I am much better now. I still have days that I feel like most things are a chore and I would prefer not to do them. I have days of hopelessness. I have days of extreme anger. But, now I know what thoughts are real and which ones are *sick.* I can make the decision to listen to the “sick” thoughts or to tell them to get out of my head. It took a lot of work to get there.
I know that there are people who may read this and tell me I am wrong. It’s in your head. You should pray more. You should change your diet. To those people, well… bless your hearts. My hope is that someone will read this and know that they are not alone. You do not have to live life under that fog of depression. There are ways out of it. The route I chose may not be the one that you choose, but there are so many ways out of the darkness available for you. I hope you will find the right one for you and you will live your life as God would have you to… abundantly.
And if you made it this far… go read the Beyonce post. Its great comic relief!